Having recently written about the joys of my online tinder dating experience, I’m sure you were all left wondering if I found my prince charming amongst all those redneck, chainsaw wielding, married freaks. No? Well tough, you’re going to hear about it anyway. I think it’s worth mentioning that I did actually make it on a few dates after surviving the gauntlet of cyber weirdos…only to find there are plenty of creeps in the real world too.
If tackling the thought of online dating wasn’t enough for this 32 year old single girl to take on, once I had found a few (seemingly) normal guys, then I had to face the necessary evil of a first date. As an Aussie girl, I have never really ‘dated’ per se. In the land down under, we catch guys the traditional way…get really drunk, pash a bloke, and bam, instant boyfriend (I know, we are a classy bunch).
But it seems like this way of finding men might be a little outdated (if not completely inappropriate if you’re over the age of say, 23) so I put on my big girl pants, prepared a swag of small talk topics and braced myself for the dating world. After all, as my (also single) cousin pointed out…’first dates are just for them to prove they aren’t axe murders…you don’t meed to impress them’. Armed with that very sound advice, the last six months of dating went like this…
Date 1: I didn’t recognise Mr Muay Thai Boxer when I met him…because he was around (no pun intended) 5-10kgs heavier than his tinder profile photos suggested. His hobbies included making jokes about my age (he was younger) and stroking his own ego. After my hasty exit 30 minutes into our coffee date, I received a message from him asking ‘So…how did I do?!’ Apparently he mistook the date for a job interview, so I promptly told him he was not right for the position and wished him the best of luck in finding something more suitable elsewhere.
Date 2: Never turned up. That’s right, I was stood up. I was left standing at a bar in my favourite high heels waiting for Mr 32 Year Old Kiwi Triathlete for half an hour before my dignity got the better of me. I still haven’t heard from him, and had hoped that he was hit by a truck or something equally worthy of a Sex and the City episode. Alas, facebook informs me he is alive and well…and has apparently changed his name. Perhaps as a security measure after angering another girl he stood up?
Date 3: Was not actually born out of internet dating…it was the ubiquitous set up by friends…which started well enough with Mr Smoulderingly Hot 29 Year Old French Personal Trainer but two weeks later ended with Mr Misogynistic Opinionated Ignorant Jerk who wanted me to sew his clothing, make his dinner and fetch his lunch…all while telling me he was right and I was wrong about everything.
Date 4: Was with Mr 34 Year Old Car & Hip Hop Loving Workaholic…one of the first guys I ‘met’ on tinder. On paper he was a great match…another self starter, goal driven, hard worker and ambitious. Which meant of course that neither of us actually had time to meet. Ever. We had one fantastic date months ago and a second never materialised…
Date 5: Actually restored my faith that there are still some decent guys out there. Mr Cute Sporty Englishman picked me up for our running date…which Mother Nature promptly ruined with an afternoon storm. So our run turned into coffee…the banter was good and the company great…but there was just no spark. Even if there had been, we did get around to that run after deciding to be friends…and I’m pretty sure my pathetic running skills would have sidelined me as potential girlfriend material anyway.
Date 6: Approached me through Instagram…he got extra points for the creative blind siding. Mr Nerdy Handsome French/Canadian DJ pursued me from afar with gusto…and was quite possibly the perfect guy for me. That was until reality kicked in and the (slight) distance issue became apparent.
Dates 7 & 8: Were the final nails in the dating coffin. These were planned dates with Mr I’m Actually Still in a Relationship With My High School Sweetheart and Mr I’m Going to Lead You on Because I’m Hoping to Ditch My Girlfriend Really Soon. I must thank tinder for leaving me with very little faith in the honesty of men as I probed both guys enough with pointed questions to find out this information before actually meeting with them.
I thought maybe my unfortunate luck with dating was contained to life in Japan, but clearly this is a global phenomenon which may follow me wherever I go. As such and after these experiences of the last six months, I’m officially retreating from the dating world and back to my happy single life until conditions improve*.
*Yes, I’m aware conditions are unlikely to improve.