Tinder Surprise

I have a confession to make…I recently started online dating. I’ve always hated the concept, but since returning home I’ve become aware that the dating pool potential amongst my (now married) friend circle resembles a muddy puddle. So I decided to build a bridge over my online dating prejudices (and the muddy puddle) and brave the sea of single men out there in the online dating world. If for no other reason that to dispel the rumours that I am gay (yes, the question does arise when one has been single for as long as I have).

But unwilling to commit to the serious dating sites like RSVP or eHarmony just yet, a friend recommended tinder. Tinder is a facebook connected app that tells you the name, age and common likes/friends of guys in your area…all conveniently downloaded to your phone for free in just a few (drunken) seconds. With a speed dating approach you can see up to five profile pictures of potential datees and a ‘tagline’ and then swipe left or right to say ‘NOPE’ to, or ‘LIKE’ the person. If they right swipe you too, then it’s a match and the chatting (or silent standoff) can begin.

But what I have learnt is that getting to the match stage is like running the gauntlet of cyber frogs in search of one Prince Charming. No actually, not even Prince Charming…just one decent guy. After a few short months in the world of this dating app, I have seen it all (and far more than I ever needed to) in what you might call Tinder Surprise…

• Save the topless photos for those other sites. Nothing screams ‘I’m a genuine guy seeking a meaningful connection’ like bare flesh.

• ‘Smoker, but trying to quit’ is code for ‘Im not actually trying to quit…I’m just hoping I’ll get you to fall for me before you realise it’ (the classy picture with the cigarette in your mouth gave it away).

• Take off your sunglasses…I need to check if you have psycho eyes.
• What part of chopping your old girlfriend or child out of your profile photo makes you think I’ll find you endearing? And no, leaving your current wife in the picture is no better.

• Just because you wear hats in all your photos, doesn’t mean I don’t know you’re bald. I’m single, not stupid.
• With that profile picture, are you looking for a date, or a bunny for your Playboy Mansion?!

• Posing with your labrador/husky/other manly type dog will score you extra brownie points. Photos of you cuddling up to your cat/s or chihuahua will not.
• I want to know about you…not your beauty regime (even if you are an American Psycho fan)…

• ‘I don’t really know what to write here’ is not what to write here.
• Some risqué profile pictures are amusing…

• Others just make you look like an escaped mental patient…or a chainsaw murderer in training…

• And while we’re on the topic of profile pictures, none of these really grab me either…

• BTW, if u rite like u’ve nvr bn to skool or red NEthing but txt msgs ur hole life, 4get it! i h8 th@…srsly.
• When did all you crazy rednecks get together and decide that chicks really dig animal killers?!

• Honesty is an admirable trait…but not always…

• But then again, I will know when you’re lying…

It gets to a point after you have unwrapped the foil and eaten the chocolate where you begin to wonder if all the Tinder Surprise toys are broken or have a screw loose at best. That’s when tinder throws you a curve ball and you actually think twice (rumours be damned) before swiping left…

Or you breathe a huge sigh of relief when you open the app to discover…

Needless to say, my first experience of online dating did not sit well and I have since deleted the app. From here on in I am going back to my happy single life and leaving the gauntlet for the other brave ladies out there. But then again, there’s always this charming man who found me on facebook…